kirana44

I'll do a general life update in a minute, but firstly, here's a public service announcement:

If you are reading this because you read To Be Loved and you happened to like it, can I please ask that maybe you try reading some of my non-Naruto works as well? It actually really bothers me that I'm mostly recognised for a series of fanfics that I wrote when I was 13...considering that I'm turning 19 next week, that's a long time ago. My writing has gotten much better, more intelligent and nicely crafted, and it really hurts when people read my old stuff purely because it's Naruto whilst ignoring the writing that I'm actually proud of. I am NOT proud of To Be Loved - I think I had a few nice, original ideas, but the whole thing was bogged down by things which make me cringe. The poor grammar, spelling and story structure were bad enough, but the obvious self-insert OC that I didn't know what to do with just ruined what could have been an above-average fan fic for a girl that age. I AM, however, proud of pretty much everything I've written since my fic "Just Because", which is still my gold-standard of great writing. If you're going to read anything else of mine, read that. I've done quite a few poems that I like, and I'm even thinking of breaching out into more smut-filled or otherwise adult territory, so it bothers me a lot when people don't read these things because it's not Naruto. The only reason To Be Loved is even on deviantArt anymore is because I know that people still read it, and it's a good bit of nostalgia. That's all.

I know all that sounds really preachy and pretentious, but COME ON, PEOPLE. It's like if picasso was only remembered for a chalk drawing he did when he was ten. It's not flattering.

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Okay, general life update:

I actually managed to get into university! And it was the university of my choice, despite me not getting the grades that I wanted. I've been getting fairly comfortable with it, and my course is mad interesting. And one of my modules is Science Fiction. I intend to do a short story collection for NaNoWriMo, and a lot of them are SF-themed, so if my gallery becomes flooded with SF stories, then you'll know why. I've joined a shit-ton of societies, like the anime society, the SFX society and the B-Movie society, so a lot of my evenings are filled with fun times. Literally, the anime society is FOUR HOURS of anime fun, it's actually so wonderful. I've not been a heavy watcher or reader of anime and manga for a long time, so to get back into the scene is just so thrilling.   Since those three societies are linked, there are a few common friends I've made along the way, which is always fun. I've also decided to join Pole Fitness. "Why Pole Fitness? Isn't that to do with strippers?" I hear you ask. Well, no. In fact, it's the one work-out where I've not felt out of place, or overweight, or particularly fat or unfit. Everyone's a newbie, so being a newbie among newbies isn't a bad feeling. I'm kind of nervous about buying the tiny yoga short that I'll need for it, but hell, if it's necessary then I don't care. Plus, Pole Dancing can actually look gorgeous when you see someone doing is as a form of dance rather than something to excite a male audience. I'm going to be massively strong by the end of the year, so yeah, that's awesome.

As for that boyfriend I mentioned in my last journal...yeah, that didn't go so well, but it's not a sad story. We broke up, because the long distance thing bothered him so much, but in the few months since then, we've come to the decision that the whole "just friends" thing wasn't working out either. So, after discussing general boundaries, do's and don'ts and all that jazz, we decided that the term Romantic Friendship fit us better than anything else. We can date, we can cuddle and flirt and possibly even kiss, but sex is not involved in any way, shape or form, and we're free to properly date other people. And it's nice, and it's a comfy place to be with this guy, and I'm happy. I did have to point out, though, that since we decided that we were viewing it as a commitment, but we were still allowed to see other people, then that technically makes me a polyamourist, which was an interesting concept. Like, how would a prospective partner take that idea? Would my life be any different? I don't know. It's still fun, anyway.

...And speaking of things that are not heteronormative, and considering that today is National Coming Out Day...I've been questioning a few things lately. And when I say "lately", I mean "the majority of this past year." I've been asking the hard questions. I already knew that I was demisexual, but there were a few things that didn't seem quite right, and looking for answers, there were some things which I still can't find names for, and other ones where there were names, but I still hesitate to claim any of them outright. But I want to explain it, to anyone who's reading this:
Firstly, I care as much about gender as Haruhi Fujioka does. It's a concept that generally confuses me and makes me wonder what the point of it is. Having said that...It's almost like I like guys so much that I want to be one. When I see a good looking guy, part of me thinks he's good looking while another part of me is kinda jealous. once put it very bluntly as "Sometimes I want to be a guy so I can be gay," and it was her posting that that got me thinking about myself. Plus, it deeply ties into some of my more...rotten interests. At the same time, I'm comfortable being a girl. I even really like being a girl sometimes. So I don't think I AM a dude or anything like that. I know that there's a term for this, and that there are people out there who proudly wave this particular flag high, but I hesitate to use it because, well...here's a link explaining the concept, because it will become VERY apparent why I hesitate to mention that I feel like this one's me. www.girlfags.com/faq.html You see the NAME, right? I hesitate to say that that's me, even though I think it is, because I know most people would rip me to shreds over the name. So, summing up there, there's the alternative, vague label of "genderqueer" which I feel goes well.
Secondly, and this is a big one: I like girls. I finally admit it, I like girls as well as guys. My confusion, however, comes from the fact that I don't feel that I like girls enough to say that I'm bi. Saying that I'm bisexual feels like just as much of a lie as saying that I'm straight does. On the Kinsey Scale, I don't sit at 0 - I sit at a 1, possibly even a 2 (1.5?). It's only in hindsight that I've realised that I've wilfully ignored all the times that I HAVE liked girls, purely because that wasn't how I saw myself, and because my crushes on girls aren't as strong as my ones on guys. And this is where my trouble comes in, because I still don't like girls very often. So saying that I'm bi would be like saying "I usually fancy boys or girls", which isn't true. I generally see it as unlikely that I'll ever get together with a girl, and that it's not something that makes any impact on my life. But saying that I'm straight is just as much of a lie, and a more hurtful, deceitful lie than the other one. So, in regards to my romantic orientation, I'm sticking a giant "Queer" sticker on that, too. I guess I can use the term "heteroflexible," or maybe "bicurious," but they both sound kind of skeevy to me.
All of this, put together (along with the fact that I'm functionally asexual) means that I'd like to adopt the label "Queer", to sum everything up without being too specific.

The reason I've said all this isn't to make a big show of it. It's not because I want to shove it in everyone's faces or anything. In fact, in regards to my real life, I would hate for all of that to be public knowledge. It doesn't really matter in my day to day life, it's not something anyone NEEDS to know - in fact, knowing the blank confusion I'd get from my parents, there are specific people who I don't want them to know. But it bothered me that it felt like I was hiding a few things from the people in my life, the people who I know face to face. This idea that I was closeting myself and barring myself from any help that I would have wanted from my friends...it bothered me, and it always seems like a much bigger deal than it is when it's all kept to myself. Even if I don't feel comfortable making all of that facebook public, making it deviantart public is just as good if not better. So any of my real-life friends who are reading this...mention this elsewhere and I may have to murder you, I don't appreciate this becoming a well-known thing...but also, real-life friends, I wanted you guys to know. I don't care that strangers on the internet know, but I care that YOU know. None of it's a big deal, I'd hate it if people kept talking to me about it all the time and I hate the idea that this affects any of my friendships in any way, but holy shit, that was a big weight off my chest. I needed to say that to someone who I know in the flesh.

Oh yeah, and I have a tumblr now. Yay.

Thanks for reading.

Missed me?

There's only one reason I can cite to explain why I've not written anything in almost a year, and it's this: this past Autumn and Winter, I felt so demotivated and low and stressed that I just couldn't find the energy and drive to do it. I started plenty of short stories and poems, yes, but that's merely added to the list of unfinished pieces that I may never return to. Such is life, really. The reason I felt so shit was a few things - mostly an overruling sense of failure and shame and self-loathing, having "failed" my first-year college exams. I began to feel so low that I would waste all my time loafing around, and I'd only realise that I'd not done any work when I looked at the clock and realised it was time for bed. My procrastination, of course, just made me feel worse. Never the best thing.

However, things are looking up in a huge way. A lot has changed during this time, and I'm feeling pretty good about myself now. I resat the exams I "failed" and I didn't do too badly in any of them - in fact, I'm looking on track to get the kind of grades that would allow me to get into my first university option (and even if I don't do so well as I want to, then I don't mind the look of my back-up choice either). That made me stop feeling like I'd failed - I might actually be able to pull this off.

As well as that, on the 3rd of March, I realised what it was exactly that I had been blind to all this time, and I'm happy to announce that I've found love. I've known him for years, but it was only recently that I decided I wanted to give things a go with him, and god in heaven is that a choice I'm NOT regretting. With him, I feel safe and respected and loved, and I know that unlike the rest of the world he will never judge me or criticise my obvious faults. He actually thinks that the stupid things I say are interesting, that I'm intelligent and beautiful and funny and sexy as all hell - and the more he says it, the more I'm starting to believe him. Objectively, I look at myself and I think "I seriously can't be all THAT, can I?", but then he'll hold my hand or kiss me on the cheek and I believe him - why wouldn't I? I trust him, and he wouldn't lie to me. So, we've been together for nearly two months now, and I thank my lucky stars that he was patient enough to have waited for me after all this time. On top of that, the few problems with my friends that I felt I had last year have pretty much faded. I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong when I talk to them nowadays, and I feel so close to them that it's hard to imagine the bad stuff ever existed at all.

Overall? Honest to God, I feel happy for once. I feel at peace, like life isn't so bad for me any more, and if life does throw me a curveball, I have the back-up to deal with it. It's a good feeling. Based on that, my productivity is going to go up - I'll see if I can finish any of the things I've started and post them up here. I'll do my best - hell, I think my actual writing ability is pretty damn good right now. I'll see what I can do.

All in all, life's being very, very good to me.

And by "doomsday", I mean the "Stop Online Piracy Act" (or SOPA), which could potentially cripple the internet and take down about 90% of the websites I use - including this one. I'm writing this, just to say goodbye should the worst happen.

I'm genuinely worried about this, and I'm not even American - the fact that it could affect me like this despite it being a "foreign problem" should really give a clue how far-reaching I think this act's powers will be. I have every reason to believe that the American government is going to abuse the shit out of this act, despite the things I've heard to defend it - it's so vaguely worded that anyone in the government can look at it and think "I can do THIS immoral act of censorship - it doesn't say I can't!", they've turned down several possible rewrites (which SO shows how willing the government is to listen to other people who know what they're talking about), and no one really knows what the fuck they're talking about OR what the act implies - but by God, they're going to pass it anyway. The big corporate companies can't be angered, after all - competition from little-known companies talked about on the internet is SO distasteful to them, after all.

It saddens and worries me that the internet is going to be policed the same way it is in China - and being blunt, China aren't exactly known for their freedom of speech and basic human rights. I'm angry, and I feel helpless - I've signed petitions, but with two days to go until they do the hearing to see if it's passed or not, I highly doubt they're going to listen to us common people any more. There's nothing I can do but just stand by as they rip everything apart - and even if they don't start doing shit right away, they're going to abuse it eventually. And I can't do a fucking thing. I really, REALLY hate this - and I'm afraid, with good reason. Research this act, because it might have VERY shitty consequences.

For those who don't know - if someone posts copyrighted material on a website, then they'll have the power to get rid of the entire fucking website. That's like usign a tactical nuke on a house because they got a wasp's nest in the garage, or suing a car company because a person drank and drove while using their car model. It's ridiculous and dangerous - because what's to stop them from using this as a cover to start banning sites for saying stuff they don't like? Either way, deviantArt is doomed - God knows, there's enough fanfiction and fanart on here that could count under copyright.

If you want to do something about this, then there are online petitions you can sign and, if you're American, you can contact your local representative and make a point of saying just how much you disagree with this. Not that it'll do us any good - these days, despite my usual optimism, I seriously feel like the English and American governments merely give us the illusion that we have a voice. Fuck, we HAVE no voice - and if this act is passed, then we'll lose the one semblance of a voice we have. When governments ignore widespread protest and try and pass bills that can sensor one of the biggest international mediums that we have under the pretence of "copyright protection", then I seriously doubt that our governments are going to let us keep our freedom. So if you have anything to say, say it now, because you won't get a chance later.

So, rant over, I just want to say this - if this bill gets passed, then...Goodbye. Goodbye, because I highly doubt this website will be safe. Thank you, everyone, for looking at my crappy art and reading my crappy journals and reading my crappy stories - it means a lot to me, and I wouldn't trade this for the world. Thank you, and have a great life. Hopefully, if it isn't passed, then this journal would be unneeded and quite silly - but if it is, then I'm counting down the days until deviantArt and fanfiction.net are shut down, forever stifling my creative voice. So, while I still have a voice to speak, and a voice that will be heard - thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.

Yesh...today...I'm an ADULT!!!!!! *vogues it*

So I had the whole family over this weekend to celebrate, and we have so many leftovers from the feast that my mum made that I have lunch for the rest of this week sorted. I got some awesome DVD's - Mary Poppin and Beauty And The Beast - a Hufflepuff scarf, a new iPod (my old one broke - I've christened this one "The Going Merry"), a charm bracelet and some charms, chocolate, alcohol (literally, a bag of alcohol) and a necklace and earring set. And lots of money. I feel like the world is mine.

But today is also a time to reflect, because, well...I don't FEEL like an adult. I don't feel like I can vote in our parliament, I don't feel like I can go to a rave and get legally pissed, I don't feel like I can elope with somebody and legally marry them without my parent's permission...it just feels so odd to me. Maybe it just needs to sink in a bit...but I need to get used to this whole "being an adult" thing.

And I'm sad to see that my 1500 pageview carribean (I can't spell it) came and went with no one claiming it. If someone wants to make a late bid for a writing piece, then go ahead, but I admit that I'm sad that THAT milestone went by unnoticed, despite me bringing it to attention. Ah, well.

Stay gold, guys.

So it's come to my notice that I've got nearly 15,000 pageviews, which is actually quite staggering when I think about it. I normally don't care for things like this, but, well...15,000 pageviews, guys. That's just impressive, and it's awesome that I've gotten this far, really. So I'll tell you what I'll do: The person who can screen-shot me them getting my 15,000 view, or the nearest thing to it, gets a free fanfic/writing request. I owe you guys this much.

I will lay some rules down for this request, though, because there are some things I won't even touch - no mpreg, incest or extreme gore or sex. I highly doubt I'd do a lemon or a lime, but I can write sexy-ish stuff. Maybe. If you give me a brief outline of the kind of story you'd want, then I'd do my best, but like LittleKuriboh did with his Neko Porno video, if it's too inappropriate or out-of-character, I might have to switch it up a bit so that it's something I'd actually write. Sorry, them's the rules.

I look forward to my request, guys. Peace.

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On a related note, I've decided to clear out some of my older deviations. The reason why is that they are, quite frankly, embarrassing. Also, no one looks at them any more. So, while I appreciate that they were good practice for my writing, reading them actually makes me cringe. So yeah. Just to let you know.

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GUYS!!! ONLY TEN PAGEVIEWS LEFT!!!!!!!! ANYONE GOING TO GO FOR IT?!